job hunting in progress...

watched Full House today. very touching, esp after watching the preview for the last episode for next sat. must make sure i am able to catch it! haha.. i can hear thunder and strong winds outside my windows. think it's going to rain soon and a heavy one for sure. after tommorrow, will be my three days' leave!! hehe.

have been reading newspapers' recruit section lately, not many jobs that im eligble to send in for but I am going to try, no matter what. i know it is going to be hard adjusting another new environment, may meet bitches at work, loads of work etc. i just feel i want to learn something else and change another environment. life is going to be tough to start from scratch, if i do not start now, when will i be able to? i will not expect my next job to be a perfect or well organised one but at least i can start afresh just like a reborn person. haha. sad to say, it's true.

at work today, that b*** still can talk so nicely to me over the phone as well as in person. yah, no wonder she was from the earlier batch of the aviation industry. heard from my friend, it was very bad back then but not now, the culture has changed. i am glad. feel like joining as well. just that due to my studies, i have no choice but to concentrate and score well.

last but not least, my dear GerFrds, whom are reading my blog, please help me forward this survey to all ur GERfrds - http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=148671406545 need to get more responses. thanks!

third round of interrogation

believe it or not? i have been interrogated for the third time over the same matter. expect me to sign a warning letter w/o the store mgr's signatory which is so biased and not factual. no way. im not a kid. mgr is always right - does not exist in my dictionary, after seeing the way they handle feedback. haha. cannot imagine the mgrs are taking things in their hands and it is not the end yet. i am just a staff for goodness' sake. im not a prisoner (think even prisoners have lawyers) in this case, the mgr just want to protect his position, noone can prove my innoccence. they are just stereotyped against me. im not being sensitive here but from the way i am being interrogated, i think the mgr should be partly responsible but do not seemed like it. don't a leader should have a mind of his own? agree?

hope this new hr mgr of mine is really a neutral person who can be the 'judge' of this case. i have told her i can't take the mental stress anymore. noone can. one after another. they want to protect him, be my guest. disappointed. nothing much to comment on.. just hope to change a new environment will be better for everyone since they feel im always the trouble-maker or a threat to them in a way. though, the hr mgr did propose for me to change another store but its the management culture. as long as my top management is forever busy, the mgrs will always be taking things in their hands and all these things happen. when staff leave, they just feel all becos they can't take it. they cannot be bothered to find out why. the huge turnover is beyond description. you will never believe it. i know not all working environments are perfect but I expect a mgr is competent whom i can look up to and not telling me off when u didn't even address the matter on the spot. don care anymore.

im tired. just too tired to say anything... i have been telling myself whereever you work is gonna be the same but i think my 'immunity' is getting weaker and weaker as days past. the longer im here, the more im depressed. I can't even sleep well and concentrate on my studies. its affecting me. whatever i do and think. time for a change and i am gonna make sure it will happen. the only thing that i can't let go is my lovable colleagues... whenever i feel down, they keep cheering me on. but i can't move on anymore.....

i have reached my limits...

I have enough of what is happening these days. was told off by my duty mgr and later the matter was reported to the store mgr. became a panel of mgrs vs me 'meeting'. i do not know this is the ?th time in my company already. haha. i am numb to all the things that have been happening. I felt i am in a position that i have to report to six mgrs, not one or two. it is tearing me apart. the feeling is beyond description. this is it. i have put in all my efforts and time into my job. need to take some time off work.

gonna wrap up one unit soon..

how fast time flies man.. another a few more lessons and its EXAM and my assignment deadline.

anyway, my dear GERfrds do help me participate in this short survey as research for my assignment. Thanks..
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=148671406545

boring. think i am gonna miss PAMELA... her lessons are crazy and fun. haha. need to do some research before heading to la la land... no much time left.. ta

hopes crashed again

@work, everytime when things are not going well, there will definitely be a 'down' period for me. The next day, I will pick myself up to stand and seeing my 'crazy' cashiers make me forget what has happened the day before and motivates me to work harder. Recently something cropped up, a mgr tells me; 'you work longer than me, doesn't mean you are more senior than me', 'pls respect me as an assistant mgr'. I take it very personal. Please be professional and talk about the matter itself and not about ME. Do you think I am that type of person? I have totally lost hope in my company. Like what my frds say, when you are not in favour in the eyes of the highest person in charge, everything you do will be wrong to others or everyone will 'step' you flat on the ground. When I was close to my GM then, everyone was so nice to me (of cos, I do keep in low profile). How hypocrite can these people be. What I have gone through, it totally matches well with the 'bureaucracy theory' which I have learnt in my communication management class. Using the word 'management' everytime when you talk to the staff, but WHO is the management? The GM? The CEO? haha. this word is often being abused. I agree totally. This word used only to protect yourself and often used by middle management (which is true in my company) who do not know anything.

I can't take it anymore. It is affecting my morale, mood and health. Need to take a breather. Perhaps, will not be working soon. yah, you guys have been hearing this since last year but this time I'm serious. No point staying in the company when your management is stereotyped against you. Nice weather... Raining and I am at home relaxing. Shall continue on my project soon after I go out to have some soup.. my first meal of the day! Do listen to Stefanie's new song '眼泪成诗‘, very nice song.

Tired...

today is the first day I went to class after my work. was almost late. can't afford to be late for my class man, imagine I am done with 2 units plus today! felt pretty tired man. but my cozmates are crazy man, REAL crazy. can't imagine how boring it is gonna be without them. very entertaining. haha. if they were to read this, think they gonna strangle and beat me; one on the left, the other on the right! sounds abusive huh? haha.

I was thinking noone will read my blog. Indeed, there are. thanks for dropping by and appreciated your concern. I have been having this craving for 'tang yuan' recently. too bad didn't get to eat till now. how sad. another 2 days to my off day on SUN!! but have to meet up my cozmates to discuss on our project. luckily, we shared the same thoughts of meeting in the late afternoon.

have been thinking of going to Genting these days. esp when im troubled, just want to stroll in the night, enjoying the breeze. makes me feel relieved and hence, also the reason why I like to go there. too bad, none of my frds will be able to make it. supposed to go on the last wk of Oct but my frd can't make it. hmmph... guess have to wait for next mth then.. i still rem one of my ex kept asking me why i like to go there (i know he doesn't like to go there 'cause there's nothing else except the casino). to me, that's a place for me to forget my problems and relax in the cooling weather. easily contented huh? low maintenance somemore. haha. i guess for other people, they would want to go Europe? Not for me @ the moment. :P

my crashing coz n finally told him..

imagine my lecturer is covering 2 units every lecture which is only 2 1/2 hrs? but her way of teaching is a more interactive compared to those 'dry' lectures on those theory-based modules.

was feeling rather troubled. thinking on how should i put to him on my thoughts these days. the more u feel for the person, the more possessive you will be. which is true. i was really touched that he was waiting for me at his office till im done with my class. if i were to let him go, am i able to mentally? but i have to, he can't give her up hence i have to. why is it happening to me again? i just cant stand the sight of him holding another ger's hand or share his heart with anyone. what the heck am i thinking about again? damn.

1:24am - i msg him just now about how i felt. told him that im letting him go. he replied me; he respected my decision and take care. thats all.. seemed like im just a person to accompany him when his gf is not around. im just a stand in...

useless...

just felt im useless. can't be the person who will go all the way to fight for my happiness. perhaps that's me. well explained why i am still single. had a tiff with one of my colleagues whom i am close to, i can't believe he is so petty. we are on the same route home, he didn't even wait for me and walked all the way so far, finally called me when he is on the opposite of the road! can you believe it? fine. as we are very open towards each other, i just told him i am not happy about it. im left all the way at the back trying to catch up with him. to summarise, he just do not want our fellow colleagues to think that we are together. (as if it is so embarrassed to be with me.) today, he can even give me a face that he do not want me in his sight. im just tired. i can't bring myself to be angry at a person for that long hence, i smiled at him but this is what i have got in the end. if he wants to end our friendship over that, i have nothing to say. haha. see what i mean?

i do not know what's going on in my life man. god, please do not torture me anymore. i am very tired.. really lost.. :(

'Full House', a must watch K-drama!

have been rushing back from work just to watch this Korean drama on cable every sat. i must say the sriptwriter for this drama must be a passionate person. as for the storyline, like the normal korean style - loggerheads and hence, developed feelings for one another. both have to stay under one roof due to this house by the name of Full house. the lead acter, Rain, kinda famous in korea i guess and song hui qiao. another co-actor, very gd looking man, didnt get his name but he looks mixed. those gentleman and polite kind. Haha. after watching today's episode, i realised that human are really ignorant creatures. subconsicously, you know who you really love and care for but do not want to face the fact and follow your heart.

after thinking for the whole of today, i decided to let go all my thoughts for the two guys. like one of the phrase that was used in Full House, 'IF' is a word which makes you feel that you have made the wrong decision or pinning on hopes which are not practical. i have told myself, i have no regrets in life except one decision i have made a few years back. come to realise that, i have used the word 'IF' quite a number of times. things like; IF my dad didn't pass away, what will become of my family? IF my uncle didn't pass away, would i be at US or AUS studying right now? IF i didn't let go of him for another, would we still be together till now? IF i leave my job for the great offer then, will i be better off rather than waiting for time to pass by everyday? Lotsa of IFs in my life. why should i have IFs in my mind? I should not have. no point yearning for people who will never come back.

got to rest soon. have this headache right now.. torturing me.. :(

just can't help missing him...

the feeling of missing a person is back again. damn. donno how is he, does he think of me like what I am now? sad to say missing two persons now, both attached and can't give up their gfs for me. i never force them to make a choice before but just that its their gfs' fortune to have them. yah, i am the unfortunate one ever.

the one i am still in contact with, is rather bothered about work. poor thing. have the urge of even leaving my 'well paid' job to help him but i can't with the school fees commitment. went to his office recently, seen a pic of his gf at his desk. felt rather jealous and upset. he didn't realise. just felt like drinkin and drop dead by the time i see my bed. i have nothing to say. why do i have to be in such a position of having his love and care when he is not fully mine? does he really mean it when he says he misses me? coming over to find me and the surprises he has given me, really meant to me; he is not only misses me by words but actions tell so. i can't help it when i see him, i just hope he is in good shape, not getting any thinner. just hope for him that the tide will be over soon and see him happy. the only thing i hope for him - happiness. i will always support him mentally. :)

as for the other, i really do not know how to sort out my thoughts on him. i have only sadness in my heart. he is the guy who i felt that gave me a feeling he wants me to be safe and cheerful. perhaps due to what has happened, he blocked me from his msn and avoiding me for sure. im almost online everyday and any time. how can i miss him online? if that is the way, he will not feel guilty towards his gf so be it. i accept the fact but must we end up like this? he forgot everything that has happened.. everything.. how can a person be so heartless? this is the way he treated his last gf and i am the second. he told me he try not to meet her or talk to her because he feels he let her down. guess should be the same towards me then. yah, i just let him go back to his gf whom he broke up with 'cause of me. i didn't put him into any dilemma. if he is happier with her, then i am happy for him.

if there's such a thing as a 'raining cloud' above me, please stop raining. i have had enough. i have been waiting for a rainbow to appear after rain but it does not seem to stop. i hope there is someone whom will stretch out his hand for me with an umbrella to shelter me from the rain. ZzzzZzzz

anything can happen only @ my company

my friend has just given birth today. at last after so many months. haha. now i know why my management told me off though its just a small matter. that colleague of mine actually holds quite a high position back in his country but I do not think that requires special treatment. I treat everyone with due respect and my instincts are always right. Hate it at times. Be it work, people's thinking or love. someone just save me from my pedicament man. haha.

Just have to take it easy and ZzzzZ.. :)

depressed or depression?

recently, i felt as if im gone through the worst days of my life. ridiculous complaints from customer; saying im being too harsh on my staff. yah, u must be wondering why are there so 'righteous' people around. the thing is; i was not even the least heated up at the time when i was told off by this lady. my mind went blank and i stood there for her feedback. ironic. what's wrong with these people? i felt lost and maligned for things i have not done. my mood was spolit for the rest of the day when i was in high spirits before this happened. can't help to think, am i depressed only or suffering from depression?

at my frd's wedding, met him but do not feel the least want to talk to him. he is such a hypocrite. made use of me and after then, that's it. MIA. though, he managed to make me smile but i will not forget the similarity that my ex and him. nice to be said as concentrating in career, else should be said as going all the way whatever it takes to attain their goals.

whatever, cannot be bothered.. that's life. everyone just care about themselves. what a pathetic world i am in now. competitions, wars, bombing around and natural diasasters, i only hope peace that i had before the millenium started. got to ZzzzzzZz