pondering @8pm ...

am i being too intrusive or harsh on him today? just hope he will prioritise his stuffs. understand he needs to meet his friends. however, hope he will strike a balance somehow. the way he phrased his sentences over msn today, he is fed up(not sure is it due to me or his stuff). hope he appreciates my good intentions but i really do not know whether he does. :(

i know he is brain stuck hence, he won't be reading this. (instead he will be playing games). hehe. i bet he does not realise how long it has been but i do appreciate that he does make it a point to call me everyday. once he is back to his work, he will be busy and tired again. when i start on my job, really do not know how things will be then...

poor thing.. he is not feeling well.. how is he going to finish his stuff?? he was already not feeling well last night, i think that's why he is abit cranky today... sorry...

Fun CNY eve!!

was having a terrible flu after the spring cleaning in my house. so terrible that I feel that I may have fever coming up soon. suddenly, angelin and I thought of going down chinatown to walk around.. donno why we just went down wearing very casually in shorts. haha.

was walking around, bought a new pair of hello kitty bedroom shoes. (new year. new shoes!) haha. AND we got a BIG bag of muah chee(those taiwanese glutinous snack in different flavours) which is $5 only. haha. one of our mutual friend asked us out for ktv and both of us sang with our 'flu' voices and the guys were playing blackjack. we replaced them temporary for toliet breaks but it was real fun. we came up with different types of 'cny chants' during the game! crazy!! haha.

reached home around 4plus 5am. the korean drama,'My name is JIN SAN SUN' was showing over cable. watched it and it is touching. i feel the same as the female lead in the show. 'I just want to be with a man who likes me and will not break my heart. After having all the setbacks in the past should make me a stronger person but I am just a simple woman who wants to spend my life with a person who will appreciate me.' true... and kinda sad as well.

I Kissed Dating and Goodbye by Joshua Harris

a great book not to be missed...(http://www.joshharris.com/)

He argues that dating;

1) leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment;
2) tends to skip the "friendship" stage of a relationship;
3) often mistakes a physical relationship for love;
4) often isolates a couple from other vital relationships;
5) in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future;
6) can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness; and
7) creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.

The word 'love' should not be misused and exploited, love seeks first the good of others, must not be measured by feelings, and is capable of being controlled responsibly. Finding the right life partner is a matter of working to become the right life partner.

This book creates another perspective for one on how to look upon a relationship from friends to know each other better and moving on to another level of commitment to become a couple and getting married. I look forward to settle down soon but timing does play a part in knowing the person and see whether we are meant for each other. To be able share the same vision, mutual feelings and to give and take, should be the essence in commiting to a relationship.

I feel that the both of us can't communicate well at times.. its fine. i have faith that things will be better as time pass..

Finished my essay at last

hehe... clocked at 320am! i am done! wahhahahhahha!!!! still i have to vet through again tmr.. gonna have fun!!! ;) oh yah, felt kinda happy for the day, he called me out of the sudden, nice surprise. though it was just awhile but yah sweet of him.. to call before my interview which was postphoned (sorry that I did not inform you). perhaps that is why I am in such a studious and good mood to finish my essay. poor thing. hope he is resting now. :)

not feeling well...

whatever i have eaten will eventually be out in the toliet. im sorry if you guys have not eaten but yah.. i have been having this mild diahorea for 2 days. i must have eaten contaminated food somewhere. there goes my sensitive stomach again. i have reached a stage that i feel nausea and do not even feel like eating.

was supposed to meet my ex colleague for lunch today, he can't make it in the end due to family probs. he is one nice and caring guy. even though, i did not msg or call him after i left my job, he still makes the effort of asking me whether i have taken my meals on time (he knows i do not eat if i am at home the whole day,'cause im lazy to go out at times). i was telling him who knows i maybe admitted to hospital due to my diahorea, must visit me with fruits and flowers. haha. he suddenly talk about valentine's day. im like ok... he is not those romantic kinda guy u know, he was saying flowers supposed to be given to me on valentine's day or birthday, not at hospital. im like wow... maybe he is too bored at work without me chatting with him. haha. there are 2 young gers who like him though and a gay whom he suspected at work. he is one weird guy, once he knows someone likes him, he will keep distance from the person and minimise communication with the person. haha.

supposed to have interview today and it's postphoned. :( shall continue on my essay. 1400 words and on going!!! HEHE.. looks like my 1800 words target is not far... ;)

browsing friendster.. browsing through the years...

Having to graduate from poly for 3 years, im turning 25 at the end of the year. was doing my essay and decided to take a break to browse through my friendster to see how my friends are doing. nice to see that damien is in happiness with his love. seeing sarina is enjoying her job. nevertheless, fanni with her lovey dovey, mitch. sometimes, really makes me ponder, what have I achieved these years? I handed in a blank 'love exam paper' last year. I even resigned the job which I loved. These 3 years really made me gained alot of experience and lost alot of things in life. Surprises all over the place. A person who is deemed to have vanished for years appeared in my life and left me without a single trace. Only to realise that love can be so brittle and destructible. We can meet up for dinner after his first day at work and that was the last time I saw him. haha.

I had a few guy frds last year, who painted very nice 'paintings' whom felt that status and commitment weren't all. Hence, I decided to hand in a blank 'exam paper' under the subject love last year. Remembered that I was a middle person for my close friend in her relationship and I was totally burnt out in the process. I was keeping her 'bf' company almost everyday when she was went for a overseas trip, as he was in total depression. I have to hear both sides of the story from both parties. The guy promised to settle his own status problem asap which I believed he will. But, little did I know that, he was just buying time and he can't let go of his relationship for my friend. Even till now, he can still ask me how my friend is and msg her. I know my friend really loves him but facing such a guy. I can't help but to think, how to believe promises that guys made? Despite the fact my friend does love him, she decided to give up on the relationship 'cause she knows he won't do it.

From it and gone through before, I only know that it doesn't pay to be a third party 'cause I am a step slower than the first party, what makes me so special to have a upper hand over the other? A step can be as long as 3 years or a year. its a fact that can't be changed....its just the time to cherish and memories to be remembered...

bad mood...

tonite is the first time after i hung up a call with him and not smiling.... thought of telling him how i feel but decided to say tommorrow... in the end, backfired. how? he sounded pissed and told me not to say things halfway and leave him in suspense. fine.. i can understand how he feels. in fact, i was rather taken aback by his tone but decided to msg and apologised to him (my attitude wasn't good as well). no reply... guess he is tired... i feel like an idiot in the end.

boring essay.. Must get done with asap!

i realised that it is a 2000 word essay. must finish asap. i do not want to drag it till cny to hand in man! seems like it is going to rain again.. must buck up!! i have barely finish writing one page! :(

my fave kinda of weather...

its raining and i am at home.. looking out the window, feels so heartwarming to be home. am i that lucky this time to have met a guy who is different from the rest? or is it just a moment of happiness again? im sorry. it really takes time for me to believe a person after going through so many terrible r.s and i will give up if i cant take the mental torture within me even though, my heart do not want to. i do like you which is the reason why i feel this way. i trust your sincerity. i really do. you are right, i do not know much about you but i appreciated that you take time to talk to me about how i feel etc. thank you.

emotion outburst and not feeling well...

my nose has been blocked for the whole day... feeling so sick and moody today. boring. was thinking of asking bel or sarina out but just do not feel well hence, decided to stay home. he is out with his friends tonight. at last, hearing that his friends are complaining. hehe. just msg me that he will be calling me when he is back.

whats wrong with me? reducing his hp usage alrite i understand, what about residential line? ok.. he is tired.. at work.. sleeping.. i really do not feel good somewhere in my heart. has he got tired of me or time for a change? that is how i feel and i do not feel good at all. as time pass by, once i decided to let go and i will. i hate to feel like a pendulum swinging in the air. i can still feel his concern to call me when he is home etc but when we are out, i have the feeling that he is so 'distanced' from me. the mutual eye contact that we used to have is fading away...

what's f***ing wrong with me? i have the feeling that im starting to let go already. i am just a person who is new in his life and wanted to know more about me out of curiosity. once he knows me more, he will feel bored and the end. yah like what mr huang said why he left me w/o telling me, 'cause im childish and cannot be independent. who is never childish when it comes to r/s? not including settling of problems. im just a sidekick in the end. when the guys are bored in a phrase of their life, im just someone interesting to entertain them. i am independent but do not let me feel that things are changing... if i am not anyone u look forward to be with, tell me. 'cause i can feel it. i am a human. time ok... time... maybe im just expecting and thinking too much, im only his 普通朋友....

another 2.5k essay to go...

just finish my essay on china and handed up today. i have another major essay to go. 2.5k words! what to do? i am in mass comm! haha. met my cozmates near the submission box, though we do not each other very well but we can just chat like that. that's how friendly my cozmates are. basically, you can say hi and smile to everyone. ;) shall start on my essay next monday.

feeling kinda down these days. do not ask me why. felt somehow he is not comfortable when we are together. i trust him. i know he is trying his best to assure me. i know we have to be open to each other but felt sooner or later, he will be fed up with me. god, please tell me what to do. i... just hope things will continue from the way it is till the day we are finally together whether it will happen, i do not know. the feeling he gave me, losing his 'interest' over me. however, chatting with him over the phone feels he is still the same. makes me feel better i guess. thanks to him, think conversing in english is more comfortable for me. whatever it happens, i thank god for letting him to come into my life.

must catch geisha!! think the movie is not going to be showing anymore.. :( shall check whether it is showing later(sat) or sun. else catch Li Renjie's show. seems not bad. going for my second interview next thursday. hope i get the job else life going to be tough after getting my last pay from my ex company. I am happy for ling that she got her job at Mediacorp. She has to go through one interview and that's it. easy and fast. haha. heading to ZzzzZZZ.....

boring essay...

it seems like my whole module is on CHINA. my presentation, my essay etc. i think my major essay will be on china again.. somehow, felt things are changing...my happiness seemed shortlived. i have this feeling he is 'disappearing' from my life soon... losing him... when he is not mine in the first place. noone will understand... insecurity is the word. how to feel secured or assured when ..... noone will feel the same as i do...

Planning for hangouts and more... COOL!

ever since the very first 'chabo' gathering, i know there will be endless of hangouts we will be heading in future. after our last lesson today, we will be heading to mos this fri. during our light supper, we were planning to go somewhere else already. haha. its really fun hanging with this group of guys. i believe that they are those who can take care of gers. today's lesson was quite boring but kinda fun cos' huimin and i were drawing, writing and taking pics with my hp. HAHA. don say i do not concentrate in class ok... peter(my lecturer), was repeating whatever he has said in the first lesson. must have a fair share of fun hence, the time is easier to pass. :P oh yah, i have got distinction for my presentation! hehe.


min min and me


Kris' hand came into the pic as well! haha.

I started to have this 'dream' since last wed(11 jan), I do not know whether how long it is going to last but my instincts tell me it is going to be a month or lesser. there are so many thoughts in my mind but I just do not want to think about it. just want to make my life simpler. a person whom you do not know when he is serious or not. a cute person who will make you smile even though you are upset. a person who gives you the feeling that the things he says or does seemed deja vu as if the guys whom know how to play the game, told you about. a person whose eyes are so convincing that he is true and meant what he says. a person who tells me, time will prove that he is sincere.... 'interested', a word which is so ambiguious; a way to show your concern to a person out of curiosity as defined in oxford..

KTV nite before presentation!!

had lotsa fun on friday nite, we went for ktv at shenton way. thanks to tom, driving min, nikky and me round and round, just to park outside of the place. he even drove into a bus terminal! he is a fun guy to be with, nice guy. hehe. his 'vibrator' pillow is gd!! esp for my backache. hehe.

they can really sing man.. as the saying goes; never judge a book by its cover. TRUE! hahahah. i like kelvin's cantonese songs. he can sing with his full emotions and heart man. the last time i sang was last year's july, wow... half a year already. didn't sing many songs. huimin only sang 2 songs. i can tell she is very tired esp after work and running thru our presentation slides. i can tell that azzah felt very upset by our whole group's comments. imagine her research is all copy and paste into the slides? sometimes group work really sucks man. think back in my poly days, perhaps all of us are not working and we are the very hardworking type which can come up with 12 over boards for presentations. haha. those were the days..

i really like my coz. all the fun people around motivating you to go for classes cos they are there to 'die' with u and entertain u at the same time during boring lectures! someone just came into my boring life recently, he is cute. :) i like his chinese name. very nice. after going thru so many shity r/s, i strongly believe that every guy is different. somehow, my instincts are always right in the end. pls just let one person prove me that i am wrong. he has indeed painted more smiles onto face. think i have drawn more lines onto his forehead. sulking and sulking. haha. just let nature takes its course. rather die off a happy princess than a sad one. agree? haha.

nice weather.boring day.nice surprise to start the day.

he dropped by in the morn. cold, rainy weather. so surprised to see him yet kinda sad, looking at the state he is in now. so burnt out and lost alot of weight. promised to eat more, better eat more.

boring.. im stuck to my ibk since i woke up. seemed like my productivity level today is very low! felt did alot of things yet seemed nothing much in the end. what the heck i was doing man!

i cant even start on my video review when the lesson is tmr on how to write it. only wrote a brief summary. somehow, felt this course is not to my advantage after finishing off my adv dip at mdis. the things they discuss on, i can't really feel relate to? or rather i felt if i were to be in a comm design, perhaps it would be back to my 'old business'. damn. after visiting bel's workplace, my long kept passion for design is coming back to me again. what is happening to me man?

money more impt. at the moment, shall concentrate on my deg and find a job asap. else, i have to beg on streets already. haha

pondering... @3am

heard from fanni, she saw him @mos. seemed like he is doin well. has a girl to care for and put on weight. today, i have been thinking about the 5 years thingy we have talked about. does he still remember? haha. nah. don't think so. still rem he called my workplace and asked for me, i replied 'yes, speaking' and he told me it is time to knock off. haha. memories. i was a workaholic and i will still be if i love my job.

was thinking, why did he mia.. what have i done wrong to deserve that? my character? my temper? guess we are not meant to be. perhaps he needs someone who is soft and sweet whereby i am not up to his mark. still rem the time he threw his cigarettes on the grass, talked to me with his eyes telling me he is at his wits' end and tears of love. i was shocked but really touched and told myself, i have made the right decision. all the gers he has been with are submissive, don think he would not do it for anyone ever. his lack of courage to commit in a relationship tells me so. how i wished we really flew to aus then(just felt so but donno why but we just took a cab and went airport in the end.)... we just want to be together and not wanting to go home. he is someone whom i experienced love can be so painful, near but yet so far. haha. if he reads all these, he must be thinking this person is such a pest！once bitten twice shy but the second time wasn't that bad but thought we could be together till we settle down. im just tired to go through r/s. imagine i have 3 guys who mia in my love life. hahahahaha! life is such a comedy.

健维，祝福你。

FUN cozmates!!

was attending peter's lectures.. very boring.. luckily, chap passed me a paper and asked me to add him on msn.. hence, we chatted via msn in class. haha. soon after, most of us at the back are not listening to the lecture. during break, more than half of the class actually left. hence, all of us at the back decided to find a place to sit down and chill. initially, want to head to The Loft but packed. hence, we went to The Lounge @Hotel Intercontinental. very nice place. had carribean summer tea. very nice and refreshing.

min and i cliqued really well with our cozmates. i would address them as friends from now on. haha. we chatted from 8plus till 1plus. reached home around 2plus in the morning. donno whether min and i will do it again or not with them coz its fun! we are thinking of KTV session the next round. GOSH... can't believe it. oh yah, just collected my group assignment, got distinction!

have to work real fast for this intensive module man. not much time left especially i want to find a job at the same time.. hehe. :P


The 'Gays' - kelvin, tom and chris


Mr 'high-class' Tom who ordered EVIAN @hotel intercontinental!!
-_-|||


our whole gang!

very tired but a fruitful day..

was dragging myself all the way to my uni. ah min was telling me last night that we will reach school at 1030am today. i told her that it was too late. unfortunately, we reached the school around that time and it was breaktime for our class. haha. was on the way to orchard, had this couple quarrelling throughout the whole journey and laughing. do not even know what they want man. a quarrel or lovely dovey conversation. talking about each other's dressing, parents, education, behaviour and attitude. *phew* luckily, im not in one.

now at orchard's nydc, waiting for bel... very tired and sleepy though but its nice when you can meet up friends after a long day at school to relax. not bad meeting bel at nydc when i can surf for free, my fave spot! haha. im thinking about my job offer. long hrs and low pay, high comm. should i take it or not? hmm.... ‘我不想，我不想，不想长大。。。- S.H.E’ haha. :P

what a terrible dream again and again...

these days i have having the same dream again and again. just of a different setting with the same storyline and leads. this time she tells me she is goin with him to hold an exhibition in China(too much of China stuff in class, i think). how loving they are, is always present in the dream. is god trying to tell me something? haiz. the feeling is dreadful especially when you are awake. all the thoughts come flowing and infecting your mind.

will be going for an interview later with one of my regular customer. at sun, SIA interview. shall see which one i am able to get in. going for lunch now..

I've got a DIST. for my first UNIT!!!

can't imagine i can score distinction even though i did not manage to complete the one of the 20 marks question during the exam. guess its the overall grade. perhaps the group (2 persons' efforts for 3) project helped me. felt kinda happy and relieved especially I do not have to waste money for subpaper in case i failed my paper. hehe... started on my new unit, another intensive one.. boring.. they are like rushing the unit. watever. since im not working, i shall spend more time to do my project and essay as well as organise well for the presentation. hopefully can get a job by chinese new year else my uncle going to ask questions again. irritating.

now reading 'tuesdays with morrie', very nice book. listening to one of 'Snow Wolf Lake' songs by Jacky Cheung, very nice. fairy tale kinda song, felt as though i am in wonderland. such a magical tone. haha.

oh yah, met tenghong and yongkin(my poly lecturers) when i was having lunch at TP today. we talked for quite long. talking about our good old days, hahaha. will organise a gathering this march when they can come in to join us. hope it will be a successful and enjoyable one! (to compensate for last year's)

真情流露 by: 张学友

仍难尽信我是这样地无穷好运
能遇上精彩的你我缺点胜别人
你竟费尽心神把我留起

如仍未清楚地说在目前和今后
仍难尽清楚地说在目前和今后
无论那一天都爱你
我这刻要直言到沧海或桑田
最深爱的亦只是你

我与你永不可别离爱你爱到死
因只得你方可使我流露自己
你眼里那种种传奇醉我醉到死
一生使我动情是你

....

bored. not in good mood. cant sleep. hate my life.

Felt so touched.... on my last day

i received phn call and msg from the cashiers that I have trained earlier on at the other store. harris called me asked me whether its my last day tmr, was thinking to ask me out for a meal. haha. told him i will meet up with him and haichen for a meal one day next wk.

was rather touched that the new brand mgr for the other brand actually made the effort to walk to me before going home, to say bye and asked me to go for the store's opening. i known her for around a wk or so. so are some of my colleagues, so sweet. we had coffee at coffeebean nearby. was thinking what i will do tmr? clear my room? yah... should do so. my poor tv has been left in the living room in the box for more than a year already. time to put in my room and get a new bed... fan as well. do not need an aircon. hmm... need to do my portfolio. just in case at any time i want to go back to design. haha.

lots of thoughts in my mind now.. will i get a job soon enough for me to rest as well? i really felt kinda sad leaving here but when its time to leave, its time. =) just pray that i can get a job asap else i may even have to defer my modules which i do not want it to happen when i know mar 2007 is approaching..... hehe. hmmm... oh yah, happy new year everyone!!